You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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