I just cut my nipple shaving
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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