i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
