Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
