Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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