i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
