dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
