it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
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We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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