Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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