He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you inspire me to be a worse person
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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