I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
