I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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