On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
