dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
