She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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