did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
