I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
