Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
