My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
