hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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