the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
