how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
