my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
