My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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