garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
