I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
