Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
