I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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