There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
