I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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