I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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