i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
