Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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