i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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