I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
