Already got asked if we're dating
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
