Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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