She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
