i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
no you cant smoke seaweed
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
