Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
