I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
