I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
