I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?