there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
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when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
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Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.