These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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