We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
