I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
