life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
