For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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