He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
