3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
