dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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