Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
