Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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