Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
