FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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