some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
