You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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