Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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